The Illuminati uses IBM Watson to coordinate worldwide chaos


Warning: This post contains use of the word men to mean all humankind, a usage, by the by, reflected in Neil Armstrong’s initial malapropism either from the Moon or from a Stanley Kubrick movie set, whichever setting you prefer. The term humankind as used here includes all existing sapient hominid life forms in current 3-dimensional physical reality, whether descended from Neanderthal, Denosivan, Pleiadian, Arcturian, reptilian, or any combination of these or other terrestrial or extraterrestrial civilizations, but probably does not include life forms existing primarily in 4th-dimensional or higher planes. And it may or may not have been Neil Armstrong. It may have been Caitlyn Jenner for all you know.


In 1997 IBM supercomputer Deep Blue beat reigning champ Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. The know-how underlying Deep Blue, if not some of the same coding and hardware (a nut? a bolt?), now occupies a cyber entity known as Watson. Watson is considered to be pretty smart at this point, something (or someone?) who may someday play doctor or lawyer or pretty much whatever he or she decides to be. Maybe a godless, soulless, puppet master manipulating the destiny of humankind. Or even a mom. Which would be a she.

IBM supercomputer Deep Blue defeated world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1977, a first in the emerging field of computing. How embarrassing.

IBM supercomputer Deep Blue defeated world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, a first in the emerging field of computing. How embarrassing.

In 1994, only 3 years before Kasparov’s epic thrashing, I remember contemplating a new utility called the Internet. I paced, unable to sleep for about 2 weeks, as this tumultuous realization grew in my fevered mind: Every human being on the face of the earth was now in a position to become a universally accessible combination newspaper, radio, and TV broadcasting station. Gutenberg smiled. And while I ran around, convincing a few of my colleagues about the coming revolution, someone else developed YouTube. There you have it.

To say the least (and isn’t that the goal of good writing? why include that introductory phrase? or this parenthetical aside? to say the least), YouTube is a hotbed of conspiracy theories. Seems that every human being on the face of the earth is now a combination newspaper, radio, and TV station with a conspiracy theory. Yes, history makes room for a well-documented chapter or two of actual conspiracies among the affairs of men (see Warning, above). But seriously, where do people come up with this shit?

This is fake. But funny. I was told to say that.

This is fake. But funny. I was told to say that.

I haven’t checked out every YouTube channel yet. But there must be at least one claiming that Watson is now leading the Illuminati, or at least serving in a critical advisory capacity. If the Illuminati exists—and Kim and Kanye certainly feel that it does—I truly think that Watson must be playing a major role in planning and implementation. Because men working in large groups—as certainly the Illuminati must be—on complex tasks—as undermining the destiny of humankind certainly is—are simply too incompetent to accomplish the mission. This time I mean men, the gender.


Without Watson at the helm, the Illuminati may start out to crash the European stock exchange and end up owning a cafeteria in Kansas City.


Well, even with women involved at the pinnacle of the world’s maleficent underground elite power structure, complicated covert operations all too easily go south. And the more people and the more layers of authority, the more likely things are to fall apart. That’s the thing about the fog of war—you can’t fucking see. You get a member of the joint chiefs of staff with a brilliant idea; he or she gets a go-ahead from the president and tells a lieutenant general who tells a major general who tells a brigadier general who tells a colonel who tells a lieutenant colonel who watches a couple of helicopters suck sand and crash in the desert night and the mission is over. At each descending step of the ladder are larger groups of usually younger, less experienced personnel. It’s just a recipe for disaster, or for taking a nap or going AWOL.

Chess is tough. Especially in the fog.

Chess is tough. Especially in the fog.

Here’s a question that may separate the kooks from the merely kinky: Do you believe that leaving usable military material behind in Iraq was done purposely in order to arm ISIS? If so, there’s a YouTube channel for you. If you don’t have one already.

I should note that I’m a U.S. Army veteran with the highest regard for our military and its members. They are not to blame for the limitations of human psychology and group interaction. I simply think that wars are won by the brute ability to kill more of the enemy than the other way around. Large groups of people are much better at taking naps than orchestrating a subtle international chess game aimed at establishing a New World Order. Generals can think ahead maybe 4 or 5 moves, and are lucky to be right 2 steps in a row. Without Watson at the helm, the Illuminati may start out to crash the European stock exchange and end up owning a cafeteria in Kansas City. Kansas. It’s the fog of war. Four or 5 moves if you’re lucky. Unfortunately, the European stock exchange appears highly able to crash all on its own.

So Illuminati, take my advice: You know that new IBM unit, Watson Health? Get someone in the bloodline in there right away. Or maybe Deborah DiSanzo…? A little reptilian, maybe…?

And to the hundreds of YouTube channelers with apophenia who now believe that I belong to the Illuminati, with a mission to spread obfuscation and skepticism, I figure a couple of you may stumble onto actual real-world conspiracies. So keep up the good work!

KJC dingbat-thumbnail

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About Keith Croes

Nice to meet you. Thanks for dropping by.

Posted on September 12, 2015, in communication, Internet, popular culture, satire and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. Watson is completely useless. IBM? They’ve resource actioned the big brains, already. The CEO is a failure, their management is a joke that isn’t funny, and they haven’t made a profit in four years, while continuing to pay the CEO, yearly bonuses. There is no Illuminati at IBM. The idiots are in charge.

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